


Feeling Human

by Smol_Kitty_Yura



Category: Glee, In Treatment
Genre: Bullying, F/M, Gen, M/M, Musicals, Rape, Self-Harm, Suicidal Intent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-04 04:57:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6642196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smol_Kitty_Yura/pseuds/Smol_Kitty_Yura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a traumatic event in the summer and Kurt off in New York, Blaine finds a way to cope with his lonelines and depression. When the truth comes out he begins sessions with Paul Weston. Who can keep him from breaking? Will he accepts how it feels to be human? *Contains self harm, bullying, rape and suicidal intent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Surprise

“Alright. Everybody listen up.” Mr Schue said trying to get the glee clubs attention. “I know that a lot of you have been dealing with negative feelings. We lost half our members after graduation last year and some of you have difficult things going on at home. So this weeks assignment is...” Will paused to write the assignment on the white board. “Feelings!” He turned to face the group he calls family. “I want you all to spend this week singing songs that make you feel deeply. Songs that tell us about how think and feel inside.

 _Finally._ Blaine thought to himself. _A chance to show how crap I really feel inside. Maybe even to let out the dark secret I hold inside._

“Now I know it's not an easy assignment but, who would like to start things off this afternoon?” Mr Schue asked excitedly.

Blaine eagerly raised his hand. “Mr Schue, I would love to go first.” He said politely.

“Then it's settled. Blaine will go first and I will see you all this afternoon.” Schue concluded dismissing the glee club.

The second they were dismissed Blaine darted out of the classroom heading straight for his locker. He looked into the mirror stuck on the inside of his locker door checking that his bow tie was straight. He looked up at his photo of Kurt and smiled. He missed him so much and he really needed him, but Kurt was in New York. Where he was born to be.

“Growing your hair out I see.” A voice commented from behind his locker door. Blaine closed his locker to see that the voice belonged to Sam, his best friend.

“I just can't be bothered with getting it cut any more.” Blaine replied sighing.

Sam gave his friend a concerned look. “You have seemed pretty depressed lately. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I just really miss Kurt. That's all.” Blaine half lied. He did miss Kurt, but there was something else bothering him that he really didn't want to address right now.

“Okay so why did you freeze me out all summer? You didn't answer one of calls or texts.”

“Don't flatter yourself.” Blaine began in a defeated tone. “I pushed everyone away. Even Kurt. The thought of not seeing him every day just made me want to be alone.” He finished and began walking to his first class.

Sam followed but grabbed Blaine by the shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Blaine with me as your best friend you won't ever be alone. He then put his arm around his sad friend and walked with him down the hall. “Now what song are you going to sing this afternoon in glee club?”

“I don't know ye-”

“Fish lips your new boyfriend faggot.” A jock taunted shoving Blaine into a locker.

Angered at watching Blaine get abused Sam stepped in. “Why don't you learn how to speak retard.”

Reacting, the jock walked up to Sam. He was so close Sam could feel his breath. “What did you call me?” He whispered threateningly.

“So you're deaf as well. I said that you... are... a... retard.” Sam spat in his face earning himself a blow to the stomach. The jock then fled before a teacher could catch him.

Sam heaved at the pain while Blaine tried to help him up. “You didn't have to do that Sam. It's easier not to bother fighting back.”

“No way!” Sam snapped shaking off the pain. “He was being a dick and you don't deserve that.”

“But Sam I do. I do deserve it. I'm a bad boyfriend and friend, and if you are around me any longer you're going to get hurt even more.” Blaine cried and ran off, leaving behind a very confused and worried Sam.

 

*****************

Blaine didn't stop running until he was in his bedroom. Feeling frustrated he punched and screamed into his pillow with tears pouring down his face. After about twenty minutes he had finally calmed down and just starred at his reflection in the mirror on his vanity table.

“If Mr Schue wants me to let out how I feel inside, then that is exactly what I'm going to do.” He said to himself stepping into the shower.

Blaine checked his phone after getting dried off and wasn't surprised to see a dozen missed calls from Sam and a couple texts. He was surprised though to see a few missed calls from Kurt and a text. _Sam must have called him._ He thought to himself while reading his texts.

 

_Blaine what is wrong with you? Please pick up your phone I'm really worried. You better not be doing anything stupid like drinking or taking drugs or some shit. – Sam._

 

_Please man. You're my friend and I care about you. What happened in the hall wasn't your fault. Just text me. Let me know you're okay. – Sam._

 

_Sam told me about what happened. Are you okay? It wasn't your fault, baby. And you are not a bad person. I miss you so much._

_Love you xx – Kurt._

 

Not wanting to worry his two favourite people in the world Blaine texted them back.

 

_Sam;_

_I'm fine I just went home to shower to blow off some steam. You're a great friend Sam. Thanks. –Blaine._

 

_Kurt;_

_I know it wasn't my fault. I'm fine, I just got caught up in the moment. I miss you so much too._

_Love you too xxx – Blaine._

 

“Now that is done, time for the new Blaine.” He thought out loud.

 

******************

 

“Alright guys glad to see you all back.” Mr Schue said welcoming everyone. “Where is Blaine?” He asked looking for around the room for the bow tied boy.

“There was an incident in the hall earlier and he ran off.” Sam explained still worried.

Schue returned Sam's worried look but contined so as not to upset the rest of the group. “Okay. Well in Blaine's absence-”

“I'm right here.” An annoyed, hooded voice interrupted from the back of the room. The owner of the voice stood up and walked over to the mic at the the front of the choir room.

“Blaine?” Mr Schue asked finding it difficult to recognise his student.

Blaine dropped his hood. He stood there in front of his friends with his longish hair straightened and styled with a long heavy side fringe that covered his left eye, which like his other eye wore dark eye liner. Instead of a sweater and bow tie, Blaine was wearing dark blue skinny jeans and a band t-shirt.

“You wanted us to express how we feel.” Blaine began to his teacher. He then turned to his peers. “This is how I feel and this song should explain exactly what that feeling is.”

He then nodded to the band and began singing.

 

 _Should I use my heart or my head?_  
_I wish that I could just replay the thoughts of things I never said,_  
 _Should I use my heart or my head?_  
 _I wish that I could just turn back the time or start over again,_  
  
_But if we're laying it on the line this time,_  
 _I better say this now,_  
  
_You make me feel low, don't make me feel low,_  
 _Cause I've tried so hard to convince myself,_  
 _It's okay that I feel this way,_  
 _You make me feel low, don't make me feel low,_  
 _If I can't have you I'd be by myself,_  
 _Cause you know I need you so,_  
 _Don't make me, don't make me_  
 _Feel low_  
  
_So tell me why did it take, twenty-six years to figure out how to love,_  
 _Just to throw it all away?_  
 _Maybe if you'd been a little bit smarter,_  
 _Maybe if you tried hard enough,_  
 _I wouldn't question why I shouldn't stay,_  
  
_You expect me to come back around,_  
 _You better show me that you've changed,_  
  
_You make me feel low, don't make me feel low,_  
 _Cause I've tried so hard to convince myself,_  
 _It's okay that I feel this way,_  
 _You make me feel low, don't make me feel low,_  
 _If I can't have you I'd be by myself,_  
 _Cause you know I need you so,_  
 _Don't make me, don't make me,_  
  
_Don't make me walk out the door, don't you throw it away,_  
 _Don't make me, don't make me,_  
 _Cause I'm leaving for good, and I'm not coming back again,_  
  
_You make me feel low, don't make me feel low,_  
 _Cause I've tried so hard to convince myself,_  
 _It's okay that I feel this way,_  
 _You make me feel low, don't make me feel low,_  
 _If I can't have you I'd be by myself,_  
 _Cause you know I need you so,_  
 _You know I need you so._

 

When Blaine had finished everyone starred at him, not knowing how to respond. Mr Schue clapped awkwardly and the rest of the group unsure followed.

“I know the song and my new look are very different but it's just something I needed to do for myself.” Blaine explained before putting his hood back up and walking out to go home.

 

If Sam wasn't worried about his best friend before, he _really_ was now. He had to figure out a way to get Blaine to tell him what's wrong. He ran after Blaine and caught up with him just as he left the school building. “Blaine, wait up.” Sam called.

Rolling his eyes Blaine stopped to face the blonde. “What is it Sam?” He asked.

“What... why... What is wrong Blaine? And don't tell all this is just because you miss Kurt because I know there is something you're not telling me. Something happened to you over the summer and I want to know what.” Sam demanded.

“Fine. Something did happen over the summer.” Blaine confessed. “It was something that was really bad, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet.”

“Okay. Just... promise me something. Promise me you're not gonna kill yourself or anything.” Sam asked tenderly.

It took all Blaine had to look his friend in the eye. “I won't kill myself. That would be stupid.” He lied. He couldn't really promise that because he didn't know how things will be, anything could happen.

“Great. Now lets get a pizza or something.” Sam asked feeling relieved.

Blaine pushed his fringe back. “Actually can we go to the barbers? This look really isn't me. I still feel kind of shit but that doesn't mean I have to change myself. And... I miss my bow tie.”

“Yeah. The fringe and dark colour really doesn't look like you.” Sam kindly admitted. “To the barbers.” He announced in one of his impression voices.

 

 


	2. Friendly Lies

Sam sat in the chair opposite Mr Schue and Ms Pillsbury in the guidance counsellor's office. “Do you know I asked you down here?” Mr Schue asked Sam.

“Uh yeah. It's about Blaine right?”

“Yes, it is.” Emma confirmed. “You are Blaine's closest friend and we were hoping you could tell us if he's okay?”

“We just noticed the he has been a little depressed since school started and we're concerned about him.” Will interjected.

“I get it. I'm worried about him too.” Sam agreed. “He completely froze me out this summer and when I confronted him about it he eventually admitted to me that something did happen to him over the summer. He wouldn't tell me what, he just said he wasn't ready to talk about it. If and when he tells me I'm not going to pass it on to you. I'm sorry Mr Schue, but it's for him to tell you.”

Will gave Sam an understanding smile. “I totally understand and respect that Sam. However if you see or if Blaine gives you any indication that he is at risk of harming himself or others you must come straight to me, or Ms Pillsbury.” Mr Schue instructed.

“He promised me that he won't try to kill himself or anything. So you don't have to worry about that. If I do think he will, I promise to come talk to you. But he's my best friend and I trust his word. He would never lie to me.” Sam replied confident that his friend was getting better.

“Okay. Thank you for your honesty Sam. I'll see you in glee club.”

“See ya.” Sam replied to Mr Schue.

 

******************

 

“I'm glad you've been feeling better Blaine.” Kurt said to Blaine over Skype. “And I'm really glad you didn't go through with that whole emo thing. You really had me worried there.”

“Yeah I felt it inside, but it just wasn't me and I missed my bow tie for those few hours. I seem to be doing that a lot lately... worrying people.” Blaine replied. “I really wish that you weren't stuck in New York for Valentine's Day.”

“I know but with the magazine, flight prices and Rachael's demon dance teacher. Rachael needs me.” Kurt explains.

“So do I.” Blaine cried. “Kurt I need you too. With Sam getting himself beat up because of me and-” He choked remembering he still wasn't ready to admit what happened in the summer.

“And what, Blaine? You've been so distant and down since the summer. I'm your boyfriend, I know when something is wrong with you. Please stop pushing Sam and I away. We just want to help.”

“You guys just need to let it go. I'm not ready and I'm done with this discussion. I'll talk to you whenever.” Blaine snapped closing down his laptop.

 

Blaine felt bad for how he snapped at Kurt. He knew the only reason Kurt was pushing him is because he loves him. But what was he supposed to say. _Hey Kurt. I cheated. Well actually I was raped, but I may as well have._

He put on the Sleeping With Sirens song he sang the other day in the choir room. As the song played, he lay on his bed and thought about that night. He thought about how it was his own fault. He tried to stop it but he wasn't strong enough. If Kurt ever found out he would never forgive Blaine for cheating on him. Sam would be disgusted to have such a low-life friend.

He hated how Sam got himself beat up to protect him. Blaine truly believed that he didn't deserve Sam and Kurt, or their love.

With that thought in mind he opened his bedside drawer. He pulled out the condoms, because hiding underneath was his newest best friend. It was the friend he met after he was raped. A beautiful silver and pink Swiss army knife. Cutting himself became his way of justifying what he did to Kurt. Consensual or not he was with another guy, and that was unforgivable in Blaine's eyes.

He made one small cut on his arm, before putting away the knife. Satisfied with his punishment for now, he put a band aid over the cut and made his way down stairs for dinner.

 

******************

 

“What are you and Blaine going to do for Valentine's Day?” Rachael asked her best friend.

“I'll tell you, when you tell me what you and Finn are doing.” Kurt throws back at her.

She sits on Kurt's bed beside him. “You know I've been trying to get through to him, but he's just not answering any of my texts, phone calls or letters.”

“Wait. You wrote him a letter. Do people even do that any more?”

“Apparently it's the only way to get in touch with people in the army. But... if Finn was here I'd take him to see a romantic play and we'd end the night with chocolate strawberry's in bed. Now what are you doing with Blaine?” Rachael probed.

“We'll watch the Notebook together over Skype or something.” Rachael gave him a disapproving look. “What else can I do? Flights are really expensive and what about you? I can't leave you with that July tearing you down.”

“Blaine is going through something right now. He needs you more, I'm worried about him too.” She replied giving Kurt a supportive smile. “He needs his boyfriend to remind him that he is loved and that he isn't alone in whatever he's wrestling with.”

Kurt hugged his friend in gratitude of her amazing support. “I love you Rachael. I don't know how I'd get anything done right without you.”

“I know.” She replied. “And I love you too, which is why I'm going to help you help Blaine.”

“What?” Kurt asked confused at Rachael's lack of articulation.

“Just follow me.” She grabbed him by the hand and dragged out of the loft.

 

******************

 

Sam walked into the cafeteria and saw Blaine sitting with Tina and Brittany. He looked happy with his stupid bow tie and sweater combo, and the ridiculous amount of product in his hair. To see that made Sam happy. He still looked sad but this would be his first Valentine's Day without Kurt since they started going out so he was aloud to be a little blue about that.

“What are you guys talking about?” Sam asked sitting down with his friends.

“Rory posted a hilarious new Valentine's video on YouTube.” Brittany answered showing Sam the video on her phone.

“Brittany, that's not Rory. That's just some random Irish dude making videos that make fun of and annoy his girlfriend.” Sam replied.

“I have to go email Rory to stop being so mean to his girlfriend.” Brittany randomly stated with her usual clueless, innocent look. She then left the cafeteria, Tina not far behind.

Sam then turned to Blaine. “Still no word from Kurt?”

“Not even a text. Although I can't really blame him. I shut him down the other day on Skype because he was pushing me like you were about why I've been so depressed.” Blaine told him.

Sam put his hand on Blaine's back and rubbed it to comfort him. “Don't worry man. He'll get over it. You two were made for each other.”

Blaine smiled at Sam's attempt to make him feel better, but it didn't work. He wanted Kurt, he needed Kurt. “Thanks. I'm just gonna get my books from my locker. I'll see you in class.” Blaine replied and also left the cafeteria.

He walked glumly to his locker, but when he got there he stopped.

“Hey, stranger. I can't even begin to tell you how much I missed you.”

Blaine was more than pleasantly surprised to see Kurt leaning against his locker.

“Kurt. I can't believe you're here.” He mumbled running into his boyfriend's arms.

 

 


	3. Iris

“Kurt, I am so glad you're here. But I thought you... you couldn't. That so much was going on in New York and what about Rachael?” Blaine asked.

“Well I thought about and with some persuasion from Rachael, I realised you need me more. Your going through something and although you're not ready to talk about... I will be here when you are ready.” Kurt replied.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Now come on, I am going to walk you home.” Kurt took Blaine's hand and lead him out of McKinley.

A few snide comments were thrown at the boys as they walked to Blaine's house. They were more than accustomed to it by now though so the words just rolled right off them. The sun was splitting the trees and the humidity hugged them like a warm blanket. It was romantic and the sort of comfort Blaine needed.

When they got inside Kurt spoke, “Where are your mom and dad at? I was hoping to say hello.”

“They decided to rent a cabin for the weekend for Valentine's day.”

“You were going to spend the weekend alone... oh Blaine.“

“It's fine, really. Besides you're here now, that's all that matters.” Blaine said, smiling at his adorable boyfriend. With that Kurt was guided upstairs to Blaine's all too familiar bedroom. “What do you want to watch?” He asked him.

Kurt contemplated the question before answering. “Twilight.” He grinned. Blaine popped in the DVD and joined the older boy on the bed.

As the credits rolled Blaine was feeling calm and peaceful, the most he has been since the summer. “Thank you Kurt for being here. It really means the world.” Blaine said, his heart swelling with love. Kurt got up off the bed and walked over to the TV. He turned it off, before plugging his phone into the iPod dock. “Are you going to sing to me?” He asked, with a mischievous grin on his face.

“Yes, and I want you to really listen. I think it explains how I think you have been feeling lately.” The older boy replied, in a more serious tone.

 

 _And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow,_  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't wanna go home right now,  
  
And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life,  
When sooner or later it's over, I just don't wanna miss you tonight,  
  
And I don't want the world to see me,  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,  
When everything's made to be broken,  
I just want you to know who I am,  
  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies,  
When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive,  
  
And I don't want the world to see me,  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,  
When everything's made to be broken,  
I just want you to know who I am,  
  
And I don't want the world to see me,  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,  
When everything's made to be broken,  
I just want you to know who I am,  
  
“That was beautiful, but I don't understand what you want me to say.” Blaine said, knowing exactly what he wanted him to say.

“You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know I understand and that I love you. Whether you let me in or not.” Kurt replied, walking back to the bed.

He crawled on the bed over to the younger boy and placed his lips his other half's. Blaine gave into the kiss allowing it to over take his body. The two boys sat making out for several minutes, both of them were feeling the excitement in their pants. Kurt moved his hands to unbutton his boyfriend's shirt, he goes to slide it off when Blaine suddenly pushed him away. He then quickly began buttoning his shirt up again. “I'm sorry Kurt... I just can't... I can't do it.” He whimpered.

The older boy watched him with a pained expression. He took the younger boy's hand in his. “Blaine? Please tell me what's wrong?”

“You'll never forgive me... I did something terrible.”

“It can't be that bad. I love you, and whatever you did we can get past it.”

Blaine pulls his hands away, bringing his knees up to his chest, and looking any where but at Kurt. “I cheated on you... I think.”

“What do you mean you think you cheated on me? Did you, or didn't you?”

“It was in the summer. I was feeling really crap, so I decided to get a few drinks at Scandals. I was walking home, when I was violently pulled into a dark alley. He stuck his tongue down my throat and pulled down my pants. Then he... he... he rammed himself inside me.” Blaine choked on his words. “I tried to stop him, but I wasn't strong enough to push him off. I'm so sorry, Kurt.” He pleaded.

Kurt pulled the distraught Blaine into his arms and gently rocked him in an attempt to calm him down. “Ssshh... baby it's okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. Silly boy... you didn't cheat on me.”

“Didn't I? I had sex with another guy.”

Kurt sat him up and forced him to look him in the eyes. “Blaine, that wasn't your fault. That twisted coward raped you. You seriously spend this whole time thinking you cheated.”

“But I was aroused, I think. I was hard while it was happening.”

“You clearly do not pay attention when Law and Order, Special Victims Unit is on. That's a normal reaction. All it is, is your body reacting to the situation the only way it know how.”

He nodded, afraid to speak. Never once did he consider Kurt would react like this. He snuggled in his boyfriend's arms for the next few hours. Neither boy dared to speak a word, so as not to upset Blaine any further.

_Poor Blaine._ Kurt thought to himself. He couldn't even begin to imagine what his boyfriend was feeling. It hurt him that he felt he couldn't come to him with this.  _How had he been coping by himself? How could he have thought that it was fault? How did he not know it was rape? Unless that was his way of dealing with it. I suppose it would be easier to cope with the thought of cheating, than being raped. I wish I could make it all better, make it so that it never happened. If only I had been there. Then none of this would have ever happened._

“Blaine?” He asked.

“Yeah.”

“How... how have you been coping? Since you haven't told anyone until now, you must have found some way to cope.”

“You know I've just been keeping myself busy. That's all.” He lied.

“You haven't been doing drugs or anything?”

Blaine sat up and turned around to face Kurt. “Of course not!”

“Okay.” Kurt held up his hands in surrender. He kissed his boyfriend's lips again, his hand accidentally brushes Blaine's wrist. Try as he might, Blaine couldn't keep from wincing at the pain shooting through his arm from the touch.

“Blaine?” Kurt asked accusingly. “Blaine, what did you do?”

“Nothing.” He lied again.

“Let me see.” Blaine didn't even fight, as the older boy unbuttoned his shirt sleeve, and rolled it up. He gasped at what he saw. On his wrist was a neat little row of cuts a purple scars. “What are those?”

Once again Blaine lied, “The cat scratched me.”

“You don't have a cat.”

“Umm...”

“Blaine Anderson, don't you dare lie to me again.” Kurt warned. “Did you do this to yourself? The truth.”

“Yes.” Blaine sighed. “It's been my real way of coping with what happened.”

“Good.” He smiled. “Thank you for finally telling me the truth. Now you have to stop this okay. I don't want you hurting yourself. It's dangerous.”

“I won't.”

“I want you to promise me.”

Blaine was hesitant and took a few minutes to answer. “Okay, Kurt. I promise I won't do it again.” He really did mean it. It was a secret he was ashamed of, just as much as being raped.

Kurt smiled in response. “Right ready for New Moon?” He asked putting on the next Twilight movie.

 


	4. Hidden Secrets

Kurt twiddled his thumbs awkwardly in Mr Schue's office. He knew exactly why he was there. However he wasn't sure if Blaine would forgive him for what he was about to do. But he was terribly worried about his beloved boyfriend. And he would be damned, before he would sit back and watch him self destruct.

“I am assuming you wanted to talk to me about Blaine?” Mr Schue asked.

“Yeah. I'm really worried about him, Mr Schue.”

“So am I. He hasn't been himself at all in glee club. He doesn't sing any more, he just sits at the back of the choir room, and doesn't say a word. Do you know anything?”

Kurt lets out a painful sigh. “I do. I know why he's been acting the way he has. I know why he's been so depressed. Under any other circumstances I wouldn't tell you, but I'm afraid he might do something.”

Will shared Kurt's concerned expression. “What do you mean by do something?” He asked.

“Blaine has been hurting himself.” Kurt began. “We were on his bed watching a movie on Valentine's Day, when my hand accidentally brushed his wrist. He winced and I knew there was something wrong. He had cuts and scars on his wrist. I'm not sure how long he has been doing it.”

“Kurt, I'm so sorry. That's something I should have picked up on.” Will said, his voice full of emotion. This was an issue he had heard of, but was fortunate enough to not come across anyone that did self harm. At least until now. “Did he say why he hurts himself?”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Mr Schue. I've googled self harm and people that do it will go to extreme lengths to hide it. There was no way you could have known.” Kurt paused, trying to figure out how to word what Blaine had told him. It was a touchy subject and not something to be taken on lightly. “Over the summer Blaine was... he was...” Kurt could no longer keep his emotions at bay. It was a vile thing that happened to his lover, and the thought alone was enough to bring him to tears.

Seeing the flood of tears escape his ex-student and friend. Will Schuester got up from his chair and crossed the room to place a comforting hand on Kurt's back. “Just take a deep breath.” He told, handing Kurt a tissue to wipe his tears.

Doing as the history teacher said, Kurt breathed in deeply and slowly out. He did this several times, until he felt able to continue. “Over the summer.” He began again. “Blaine was... he was raped... by some guy in an alley way. That's why he has been hurting himself. He says it's his way of coping with what happened.”

Mr Schue looked completely shocked by what he had just heard. Again it was something he had heard of but never knew anyone who had, had it happen to them. Now he did. He was speechless and he didn't know how to respond. It was an impossible situation, one he had never encountered in his many years as a teacher.

“I wouldn't have said anything, if I didn't think there was reason to be worried.” Kurt quickly added.

“I am glad you told me. There is plenty of reason to be concerned here. Blaine shouldn't be dealing with this alone. I don't know anyone that can handle a secret like this alone, I don't expect that Blaine can.” Will replied, returning to his chair.

“Blaine is a very strong person.” Kurt said, feeling defensive of Blaine.

“I am not saying he isn't. The fact that he has been coping with this alone since summer break, proves how strong he is. However he's still just a kid and he needs help.”

“I know.” Kurt agreed.

“Man. I can't even imagine what Blaine must be going through, or what he is feeling.” Will admitted.

 

 

***************

 

“So what did you and Kurt get up to on Valentine's Day?” Sam asked Blaine with a naughty grin.

“We just stayed in and watched Twilight. Nothing interesting.” Blaine answered.

“Is that code for you two did the dirty?” The blonde grins, nudging his friend in the arm.

“No. Like I said, it was nothing interesting.” Blaine sighed, closing his locker and walking towards Mr Schue's office. For some unknown reason he wanted to talk to Blaine, of course Blaine wasn't sure he wanted to talk to his teacher. He didn't want to talk to anyone these days, with the exception of talking to Kurt the other day. Even then it was only because he had no choice.

“Are you team Edward or team Jacob?” Sam asked, changing the subject.

“What?”

“What Twilight team are you? I am team Jacob all the way, after all I am a wolf.” Sam said, howling.

“Yeah, me too.” Blaine answered, not really paying attention.

“Oh my gosh.” Sam gasped. “We are totally best friends.”

Blaine just smiled awkwardly at his friend, as they approached their destination. Well... Blaine's destination, Sam was just being Sam and following him.

They entered their teacher's office. Blaine was surprised to see Kurt in the room, but it didn't take him long to figure out what was happening. “You told him!” Blaine screamed. “I can't believe you would do that.”

“Blaine, I'm sorry... I'm just worried about you.” Kurt explained.

“We all are.” Mr Schue added, gesturing for Blaine to take a seat next to Kurt. Blaine was hesitant, but obliged. Sam just stood beside Blaine, trying to figure out what was going on. Of course he didn't have as clue, so he just listened to the conversation.

“I'm fine. There is no reason to worry. I am perfectly capable of dealing with this myself. I've been coping with it fine on my own since it happened.” Blaine states, hoping it's enough to get him out of this.

“But you're not coping, baby.” Kurt replied.

“My name is Blaine, not baby.” He snapped. “And I am.”

“You're not. At least not with a healthy method.” Will interjected, his gaze shifting between Blaine's arms and face.

“Umm... What's going on here?” Sam asked, clearly confused by the vague discussion.

“It's nothing.” Blaine responds, moving to the door to leave.

“Blaine! If you don't talk to us, I'll be forced to call you parents.” Mr Schue threatened.

“But that's not fair.” Blaine wined. “You have no right. This happened to me... _I_ was the one who got raped.”

“Exactly Blaine.” Will agreed. “That happened to _you_ , but you need to talk to someone. You can't continue coping the way you have been.”

“Why not? If it works and it's not hurting anyo-”

“It's hurting you.” Kurt cuts in.

Blaine turns to his boyfriend. “I told you I won't do it any more, and I haven't.”

Sam was finally understanding the situation, but he didn't want to upset or interrogate his best friend any more than he already was. So he stayed silent.

“Can I see you arms?” Mr Schue asked.

“No!” Blaine snapped, far too quickly.

“Blaine? If you haven't done it since the other night, then you should have nothing to hide.” Kurt pushed. He did realise that his boyfriend most likely hates him right now, but he would rather have him hate him and get better, than love him and end up dead.

Knowing there was no getting out of it, Blaine did as he was asked. His arms bore a few new cuts. There were only a  _few_ , but he still broke his promise to Kurt.

“You promised.” Kurt gasped.

“I'm sorry... I really did try.” He explained. “I just wasn't strong enough. It's harder than I thought to stop.”

Mr Schue ran a hand through his curly hair, before locking his fingers together and placing them on the table. “It is my understanding, that self harm is as an addictive behaviour as taking drugs. Blaine, this isn't something you can stop on your own. You need professional help. You've gone through something really traumatic and it's okay to accept help with it.”

Blaine pulled his sleeves back down. “Okay.” He surrendered. “Okay, I'll talk to a professional.”

Sam placed his hand on his friends shoulder. Blaine looked up at him, the blonde gave him a smile and then pulled him into a hug. “I'm sorry.” He sniffled. “I'm sorry I wasn't there for you in the summer. Maybe I could have stopped it from happening.

“Sam, there was no way you could have stopped it. And you have nothing to be sorry for. I pushed you away and I wouldn't let anyone in. The fact that you tried, means more than you will ever know.” Blaine smiled. He then turned back to Mr Schue and asked, “So what now?”

 


	5. Therapy Encounters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if the timeline is unclear. This fic is set in season 4 at the start of the school year. Kurt leaves for New York right after graduation, before the summer holidays. The summer is when Blaine gets raped.
> 
> I hope that clears things up a little, otherwise... Enjoy =)

_Kurt and Sam helped me talk to my parents about what happened. At first they were mad because I went to a bar alone, but when I told them I was raped they came right along side me. It does feel really good to know I don't have to go through this alone any more._

_Today after school I have my first therapy session. I'm not sure how I feel about it. People keep asking me that. It's therapy, I go in I talk about what happened... that's it._

Once again Blaine is pulled from his thoughts by the slam of a locker. “Dude, you were spacing out again.” Sam stated.

“I can't help it, I just start thinking and then I get lost in those thoughts.” Blaine replied.

“You know that can be dangerous.” Sam joked.

“What thinking?” Sam nodded. “So I've heard. You ready for glee club?”

“Absolutely. I'm glad you asked me to sing the song with you.”

“Thanks for agreeing to it.”

“Of course. Your my best friend and you needed me. Also the song is perfect for today. By the way make sure you text me after your session. I want to know how it went.”

“I will and you're right about the song.”

Sam flashed Blaine an arrogant smile. “Aren't I always right?” He said, in a tone to match the smile.

“Whatever.” Blaine answered, rolling his eyes.

Blaine and Sam entered the choir room just as Mr Schue was beginning.

“Okay guys!” The curly haired man began. “As you all know sectionals is coming up in a few weeks, and we need to come up with a set list.”

Artie raised his hand and spoke a second later. “Mr Schue why do we need to stress out. We always kick butt at sectionals.”

“Maybe so, but there is always a first for everything.” Schue replied. “Now on to this weeks assignment is ' _keeping it real_ '. You all need to remember what it is to be real. Just because we've never lost a sectionals, and just because we won _one_ national title... does not mean you are better than everyone else.”

“I would like to go first, if that's okay Mr Schue?” Blaine asked.

“Of course.” Schue nodded.

Blaine stood and Sam followed. “Sam and I are both singing this song.” Blaine began. “This is a song very real to what I'm going through right now. You don't need to know the details, just that this is me keeping it real.”

With that said Sam began playing on his guitar, and Blaine sang.

 

 _My ship went down in a sea of sound,_  
When I woke up alone, I had everything,  
A handful of moments, I wished I could change,  
And a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade,

 _In a city of fools, I was careful and cool,_  
But they tore me apart like a hurricane,  
A handful of moments, I wished I could change,  
But I was carried away,

Sam joined in singing for the chorus.

 _Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty,_  
But I'm smiling at everything,  
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,  
And you can keep all your misery,

 

Sam then continued singing and Blaine hushed.

 

 _My lungs gave out as I faced the crowd,_  
I think that keeping this up could be dangerous,  
I'm flesh and bone, I'm a rolling stone,  
And the experts say I'm delirious,

 

Once again the two friends sang together for the chorus.

 

 _Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty,_  
But I'm smiling at everything,  
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,  
And you can keep all your misery,

 

Just Sam.

 

 _Arrogant boy,_  
Love yourself so no one has to,  
They're better off without you,

Blaine.

_(They're better off without you)_

Sam.

 _Arrogant boy,_  
'Cause a scene like you're supposed to,  
They'll fall asleep without you,  
You're lucky if your memory remains,

Blaine.

 _Therapy, I'm a walking travesty,_  
But I'm smiling at everything,  
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,  
And you can choke on your misery,

 

Once the song ended the class clapped. “That was nicely sung, well done.” Mr Schue complimented.

“Yes that was beautiful, Blainey.” Tina said, standing up to give Blaine a hug.

“Thanks, Tina.” Blaine answered, hugging back.

The school bell rang and the choir room emptied out. All except for Mr Schue, Blaine, Sam and Tina.

“Blaine, can I talk to you a moment... privately?” Mr Schue asked.

“Sure.” Blaine answered and then turned to his friends. “You two go on ahead. I'll catch up.” They both nodded, and left. “What did you want to talk about, Mr Schue?”

“I wanted to know how your doing.” He replied. “I know you have you first therapy session today and I wanted to know how you are feeling about it. Judging by your song, I'd say your a little nervous.”

“Of course I'm nervous.” Blaine said, softly. “I don't really know what to expect. And I am not really up for talking about everything.”

“You can space the information out. Focus on one part at a time. The therapist won't expect you to spill everything in one session. A person can only endure so much.”

“I know and thanks for caring Mr Schue, even if it is your job.”

Schue places a reassuring hand on Blaine's shoulder. “Blaine, you know that's not why I do it. You know I would care about you kids whether I got paid to do it or not.”

Blaine nodded with a smile. “I know and thanks again. Anyway I better get to class.”

“Okay, but please come and talk to me tomorrow. Let me know how your first session went.”

“I will.” Blaine agreed, before leaving for his class.

 

*****************

 

Blaine decided that Kurt would be the one to take him to his first session. The agreement is that Kurt and Sam will alternate each week. As good as it made Blaine feel to have his boyfriend and best friend so there for him, he couldn't but feel like it was all unnecessary.

The two boys sat in Kurt's car outside where Blaine was to have his session. “Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?” Kurt asked, his boyfriend.

“No, it's fine really. This is something I need to do myself.” Blaine answered.

“No problem. I will be right here when you are done.”

“Thanks Kurt, I love you.”

“I love you too.” Kurt said, giving Blaine a peck on the lips. “No go, or you'll be late.”

Blaine got out of the car and walked up to the door. The guy held his sessions at his house, which Blaine thought was a little weird. However he is supposedly the best, so he wasn't going to question it.

He went to knock the door, but realised it was already open and walked inside. He walked up a flight of stairs and came to what was a tastefully decorated waiting room. By the door was the receptionist. She had mid-length brown hair and she wore stylish rectangular glasses. The thing about her that stood out most was her smile. It was kind and welcoming, just as it should with her being the first face you see when you enter. Blaine couldn't help, but return the smile. “Hello, can I help you?” She asked, sweetly.

“Hi, I have an appointment with Dr Weston.” Blaine answers, shyly.

“Of course. What's the name?”

“Eh... Blaine Anderson.”

“Yes, Your appointment is at 4:30pm. Is that right?”

“Yeah, that's right.”

“If you would take a seat Dr Weston is still with a patient. He shouldn't be much longer.”

“Okay, than you.” Blaine flashed her another smile, before taking a seat right outside the door.

After about five minutes the door opens and a boy about the same age as Blaine. He had longish ash blonde hair that hung over right side of his face. He wore a grey hoodie and dark skinny jeans and his ocean blue eyes looked like they were drowning in a storm of sadness. _I guess that's why he is in therapy._ Blaine thought to himself.

When the boy closed the door behind him he stopped to look at Blaine. “Hey.” The boy greeted.

“Hey.” Blaine responded, holding out his hand for the boy to shake.

The boy took it. “I'm Jesse...” He hesitated for a second. “... D'Amato.”

“You don't seem sure.” Blaine said.

“Any way.” Jesse answered, flipping his fringe. “What's your name?”

“Blaine, Blaine Anderson.”

“What's you spy name... double 'O' bow tie.” Jesse tried to joke.

“Yeah I guess so.” Blaine responded, staring at his feet.

“Hey, I was only joking. I like your bow tie, it's cute.” Jesse then adjusted Blaine's bow tie so that it was sitting straighter.

“Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.”

“I know. I saw you two in the car out front. Besides I have a girlfriend.”

“Cool.” Blaine smiled.

“No, I was just joking. I'm gay, I love cock too much you see.” Blaine's cheeks began to burn red at Jesse's bluntness. It's something he wasn't used to, apart from Santana that is. “Any way _Blaine Anderson_ , Maria is waiting outside for me so I better go.”

“You call your mom by her first name?” Blaine asked, obviously surprised by this boy's lack of respect.

“Maria's not my mom, I'm adopted. Maria is my adopted mom. My birth mom didn't want me because I'm a slut with ADD. Come to think of it Maria is all that thrilled with it either, not that I give a fuck.” Just then the door opened again and Dr Weston stepped through.

He stopped when he noticed Jesse. “Oh Jesse, I'll see you next week.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” He grumbled, turning to Blaine. “Later Anderson.” And with that he left. Blaine just stared where Jesse left. Something about the boy intrigued him, although he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

“Blaine?” Dr Weston asked, pulling Blaine from his thoughts. “Are you ready to come through?”

“Uh yeah, I guess so.” Blaine answered, unsure of where his brain had gone. Regardless he somehow managed to follow Dr Weston through and sat down opposite him.

 


End file.
